Based on Actual and True Events, Honest
Ah, marriage. That sacred institution where two souls join in love, fidelity, and a shared Netflix account. But what happens when one of those souls happens to be a Level 120 Destruction Warlock named Balbo, and the other is, well, your actual human wife? Welcome to my life, where I am caught in a confusing, morally dubious, and highly entertaining love triangle between two very different kinds of life partners.
The Trouble with Virtual Vows
In World of Warcraft (WoW), marriage is a thing of beauty. No nagging about taking out the bins, no questioning your life choices. Just you, your best friend Balbo (aka The Lord of Chaos), and an unbreakable in-game union, sealed by a questionable ceremony in front of a goblin priest with more gold teeth than holy credentials.
But there’s a catch. See, in the real world, I’m also married to a lovely woman who doesn’t necessarily appreciate me spending more time discussing raid strategies with Balbo than sharing quality moments over dinner. To her credit, she’s never once accused me of emotional infidelity with an undead Warlock. But should she?
Two Marriages, One Problem
Legally, this situation puts me in murky waters. I’m married twice, albeit in two different realms: one physical, bound by UK law, and the other virtual, bound by Blizzard’s EULA (which I totally didn’t read before saying “I do” in Azeroth, a choice that will haunt me more than my Paladin’s bad talent tree). Does marriage to a warlock constitute a breach of vows? Is my real-world wife, by virtue of this, entitled to half of my digital loot?
I can already hear the family solicitor asking uncomfortable questions: “Has your relationship with Balbo involved any, uh, intimate interactions?”, he’d ask; “Well, we did slay the Lich King together… which was kind of intense.” as I fidget with my WoW key-ring beneath his pristine oak solicitor desk.
Now, my wife might argue that this could be emotional infidelity. After all, Balbo and I have embarked on more legendary quests together than she and I ever have (though our trip to IKEA does come close to an epic dungeon crawl). Balbo’s unwavering support in battle—buffing me with Dark Pact when I’m about to faceplant into oblivion—has forged a bond that even 10 years of marriage can’t compete with.
Blizzard, however, remains suspiciously quiet on the matter. You’d think they would have some guidelines for this exact situation. Perhaps a rolling 30-day ban until my divorce proceedings are finalised? As much as I value Balbo’s presence in my life, I don’t want my Paladin’s reputation sullied by allegations of bigamy. Can you imagine the whispers in Stormwind?
“Isn’t that the bloke married to that warlock? Poor fella, didn’t even take Engineering—what a mess.”
What Would Blizzard Do?
Here’s the thing: Blizzard wouldn’t want me to divorce Balbo. They’ve fostered our relationship with every expansion, every dungeon, every “For the Horde!” screamed at 3AM while my wife (of flesh and bone) lies next to me, undoubtedly reconsidering her life choices. Blizzard is effectively an accomplice in this virtual affair. If they force me to choose, it’ll likely result in tears, or worse—loss of subscriptions.
Perhaps, as a form of reparation, Blizzard could offer “Marriage Counselling” buffs. A temporary +10 to Communication, or a debuff to “Real Life Nagging” so I can finally focus during raid nights. My wife could receive an enchanted item that automatically converts my WoW achievements into brownie points in real life. I mean, you can’t say defeating Ragnaros isn’t more impressive than taking out the bins.
The Real Legal Implications
But back to the pressing legal issue—does this constitute infidelity? Sure, there’s no physical betrayal here (Balbo is a warlock, and frankly, he’s more focused on shadow bolts than romance), but what about the sanctity of marriage? UK law frowns upon adultery, though it’s hard to tell if it explicitly covers this kind of digital dalliance. When faced with a judge, will I be able to explain that my heart belongs to two people, one of whom technically doesn’t have a heartbeat?
Should my wife file for divorce, does she get half of our digital assets? Will my carefully collected mounts be split in a bitter divorce settlement, with my Sparkle Pony going to her, and my War Bear staying with me? She’s never even been to Shadowfang Keep; can she really claim my Tier 3 armour?
And let’s not forget Balbo. What happens if my real-world marriage falls apart, and I become a newly single man IRL? Will Balbo get jealous? Will his threat of hellfire spells escalate in dungeons, adding emotional turmoil to my DPS strategy? There’s no “relationship counselling” in the in-game menu. I checked.
What Would Thrall Do?
This whole debacle makes one reflect on Azerothian values. In WoW, loyalty to your faction is paramount. Thrall would never abandon his Horde brethren just because his real family back home in Durotar was feeling neglected. I imagine Thrall’s spouse is very understanding, probably crafting potions while he’s off fighting Garrosh or leading the rebellion. Could my wife be as supportive?
Of course, in WoW, you don’t really have to make such tough choices. There are no NPCs pulling you aside for awkward conversations about relationship boundaries. But in the real world? “I am Forsaken” just doesn’t hold up in divorce court.
A Solution in Sight?
In the end, I think the only real solution is an appeal to Blizzard for some form of “divorce armour”—something to protect me from the emotional damage of severing one marriage, while also ensuring Balbo and I remain co-op partners in the brave new expansions to come. Perhaps a temporary in-game nerf, where all interactions with Balbo are limited to text-based dialogue only, or a cooldown period on raid invites—something to keep me faithful until my wife and I can figure this mess out.
But I’ll leave you with this: marriage, whether in the real world or Azeroth, is about commitment, communication, and—above all else—surviving boss fights. Whether you’re battling Arthas or the awkward silences of a marriage counselling session, remember: “Strength and honour!” And if all else fails, at least my Hearthstone is set to somewhere far away…
The struggle is real.